“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6
If you’ve been reading for awhile you know I am a proponent of not just of physical, spiritual, and emotional well being but also of mental well being. I struggled for a long time with anxiety and have found myself in a very peaceful place in my life. Most days, anyway. Some days are still incredibly difficult. But, that’s why I believe in tending to that part of my life just like all the others – patiently and diligently. Taking it day by day.
Recently during a deep talk I was trying to express some thoughts I was having about a certain situation where I felt complete rejection and abandonment. I wasn’t speaking my thoughts very well but the person I was talking to was able to speak back to me what I was trying to share with her – and went on to expound on it – and I found myself covering my face, crying. She said to me the things I knew in my heart but couldn’t speak with my mouth. And, it hit so deep inside of me the only thing that could come out were tears.
I have certain fears in my life. Fears I don’t talk about and fears I honestly try not to dwell on too much. But, they are very present in how I have conducted myself my whole life. Immense feelings of needing to please, the crushing weight of guilt, worried I am going to let someone down or hurt them, having a difficult time saying “no”, not always speaking my mind because I am “afraid” someone will not like what I have to say or judge me for my thoughts. I imagine some of you can relate to at least one of those.
Three months ago I found myself in a situation that tapped into feelings like a bolt of lightning. I couldn’t even verbalize at the time how a lifetime of those fears of mine culminated into one moment but they did. I know the pain wasn’t intentional yet it was something that was obviously meant to come to pass and the aftermath of it was something I was left to kind of deal with on my own. I was supposed to be a big girl and just deal with it. But, I wasn’t a big girl. I was a little girl in a woman’s body dealing with some deep rooted pain. And, when part of you doesn’t even know how to navigate the rush of feelings and thoughts you are having you can feel like you are absolutely drowning in life.
So… here I am three months later and find myself still learning new things about myself. Bettering myself. I’ve learned a lot – about me, about other people, about relationships, about friendships, about grace and forgiveness. About being gentle with myself and with others. About trying to find boundaries and actually implementing them. Most of my life I wasn’t in a position to set boundaries. In my adult life it’s been very difficult at times to set them and I am still struggling to set them in parts of my life. Because of fear.
We are all fighting battles. I had more people tell me in those months where I was treading water that my blog helped them or encouraged them. I heard stories that were far more difficult that my own. Little did all those people know when they told me I was blessing them they were really blessing me.
Just like exercising or healthful eating is a daily decision, so is taking care of your mental and emotional well-being. We can better our physical bodies but if we do not look into our hearts and minds and deal with those issues we are not tending to our whole being. If you find yourself swimming in an unfamiliar stream and fighting to focus on fighting the current, be gentle with yourself. And, don’t be afraid to ask for help. It doesn’t make you weak – it can help make you stronger.
until next time… xoxo, patty lauren
Let's Talk...