“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.” Arnold Schwarzenegger
I mentioned recently how it was brought to my attention I have made some of the changes in my life seem “easy.” I could see how this is true – even though I try to be real and open sometimes I guess things come across as a little too “glossy.” It’s been far from easy and the thoughts and feelings and occurrences I’m sharing with you today will hopefully encourage some of you who are struggling or are finding yourself in a season of setbacks.
The past four months have been anything but easy. At the start of all this I was channeling a lot of hurt, sadness, anger, and depression into changing my life. It was good fuel no doubt and without that season in my life I don’t think I would be where I am now. I probably would still be a worm wanting to be a butterfly. This was something someone and I were discussing recently – I am who I am now because of what I’ve been through. I owe a lot of my success to the very things that I thought would break me. Without those situations and trials I would not have been given a wide open door to step through and flourish. There is always positivity (and more) to be found from trying times in our lives.
What I’m about to share isn’t easy because I have to admit I’ve messed up but I am striving to keep things real and especially today. Recently I had some things happen that completely messed with my mental state of mind. It was like I was trotting along and someone threw some thumbtacks out on the road in front of me and caused me to stumble. It was my own doing because I have made the all-too-common mistake of thinking, “I have myself totally under control.” Nope. As soon as some things from the past came back up and I allowed myself to revisit them and think I was under control is when I found out I wasn’t and things turned real ugly real fast.
Suddenly, I felt I wasn’t in control anymore. I found myself sitting alone in a chair, bawling my eyes out, after having a complete binge eating episode. It was the worst moment I have had in four months. I felt completely shattered. It was like I was a yo-yo and I was suddenly jerked back into feelings of being worthless, overweight, depressed, confused… More than anything, I was mad at myself. I was mad I had let my emotions overrule my mind. I was mad I had worked so hard to overcome certain feelings and I found myself completely drowning in them in a matter of minutes. I was mad that I had let myself be vulnerable to the Patty of the Past and let her believe things like: You’re worthless. You’re NEVER going to be good enough. Everything that happens that’s bad is your fault. Rejection. Failure. Disappointment. It was a horrible, horrible couple of days.
I have realized I still have things that trigger feelings in me that can be detrimental to my journey of moving forward. I have worked so hard to change my body, my mind, and my spirit but it’s not meant to be a means to an end. That’s why people say things like this are a lifestyle change. You are going to have bad days. You are going to have moments where you want to say, “Screw it. I’m eating everything and I’m going to drink everything and I’m going to do all of the things that are going to make me feel bad later but man they feel so good right now.” And, maybe you do them… that’s part of the learning. How many times do some of us have to learn a lesson? A lot.
I’ve realized there are some parts of my life I have to leave the door closed to. I cannot do it anymore. I may have moments where I am weak and I may struggle and I may have setbacks, but I know I am stronger. I can feel my spirit isn’t quite as easily broken as it once was. I’m someone who wants to work things out until the bitter end but when it comes at the sacrifice of 100% hard work I have to let it go or I will drive myself batcrap insane and bring myself crumbling down with no one to blame but me. I imagine it’s what being an addict is like. You really reeeeeeeeally want something and you think you have the strength to be around it but next thing you know you’re drunk off your tail. I think we all have our own addictions in our own ways. Maybe it’s not the clinical definition of addiction, but we all have them. I know what mine are no doubt.
So, if you think losing weight, being fit, changing habits, being a better you, making changes looks easy for some people and it makes you think you cannot do it – you can. You are going to have days that are so mentally challenging and draining that you are going to want to completely quit, run away, change your name, and disappear. You are going to doubt how far you’ve come. You are going to think “I can’t do this” but you CAN. However, I cannot stress enough how important it is not to be alone when you are trying to make big changes. I have awesome people in my life that help me through and I would be so alone without their daily encouragement, help, wisdom, and guidance.
When I look at myself in the mirror now I see a strong woman who doesn’t need the approval from anyone to know her worth. Was there a time when I felt I needed it? Yes. Do I still have days where I feel this way? Yes. But, I know that’s not reality. When you have setbacks and struggles your perception of reality can become extremely skewed. Don’t let the lies of your struggle inhibit you from moving forward. One bad day… one bad week… it’s not going to be your undoing. There will be tempting moments where you will think, “I’m good. I’ve come this far… surely a little detour won’t do me much harm.” Oh, friend… please keep your eyes forward before you turn around on your detour and realize you are more lost than you ever have been. I promise you it is not worth it.
I know what I have been through, I know what I have survived, I know what I have endured – and I know God has given me chances to make myself better. Without struggles, without setbacks, without doubts… we can’t progress. We can’t see our flaws and our weaknesses and fight them and become stronger – we simply become complacent. Take those struggles and the missteps and use them to your advantage. To bring to light where you are weak and fight to make yourself stronger in these areas.
until next time… xoxo, patty lauren
Let's Talk...