When the Chapter Changes

“The moment that you feel that, just possibly, you’re walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself. That’s the moment you may be starting to get it right.” Neil Gaiman

For as long as I can remember I have written. As a little girl, I wrote poems and stories. As a teenager, I would spent endless nights typing what I was sure was going to be my great novel. I wrote several “books” over the course of a few years that I wanted to be a series. When people asked me what I wanted to do I would always say, “I want to be a writer.” And, of course, the follow-up was: “Well, what are you going to do with that?” It didn’t bother me until it was time for me to go to college.

It’s no secret I love animals and for some insane reason I thought my love of animals and my love of writing could be interchangeable and as easily as I wanted to be a writer I thought I could be a veterinarian. Of course, everyone was much more accepting of this choice – which made is easier… for a time. My first year of college was spent on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I started volunteering at a local animal hospital and it was the worst job I have ever had. I liked the people I worked with, but the rest was a huge slap in the face. Between being around death and sickness and general dirty work and the fact I had been a straight A student my whole life and I was practically failing every biology test I took, I was seriously beginning to wonder if I had made a huge mistake.

I studied for hours every day, yet my tests came back the same – 40s, 50s… was this some type of sick joke? I was miserable. I finally reached my tipping point as the withdrawal date for classes approached. I remember sitting on my parents’ bed, crying and saying all I wanted to do was write. I didn’t care about the money or if people agreed with it. I wanted to write and I did not want to be a teacher (the second most popular question from people after you tell them you want to write). And, because I have wonderful parents who love me they encouraged me to do whatever it was that was going to make me happy.

The day I withdrew from my biology class was one of the best days of my life. That next year, I declared my English  major with a concentration in writing and never looked back. I was never worried about the money aspect because I was used to working multiple jobs and I knew I would find something more stable and permanent but could write in my spare time. There have been huge chunks of times I didn’t write – I would try but there wasn’t anything I could think to write about. I had been so consumed with being a writer of books I didn’t think about being a writer of life.

When I first started my blog almost three years ago, I was just hammering away at random thoughts and things I was going through. That turned into wanting to write about more lifestyle topics – fashion, home life, etc. and somehow that has turned into what Moonshine & Wanderlust is now. It amazes me on a daily basis how many people text, email, or reach out to me by some other means and let them know what I write matters. Something I do matters and it’s not what I’m wearing or what I’m baking – it’s what I’m living. That’s all I ever wanted… just for something I said to mean something to someone else. Even if it’s one person.

Writing is my therapy. Writing is the only thing I have when I have nothing left. My words are the only way I can communicate my heart at times. When life is difficult, writing is there. However, it’s not just for me anymore – it’s for someone else. You don’t have to be alone in what you are feeling – none of us do.

I am in such a place of grappling right now… I am trying to find that place to throw my anchor because my boat is rocking really hard in a very choppy sea. I know God did not bring me this far to drop me off in the middle of the ocean alone. He has given me tools and experience to overcome this moment. I am not who I was, neither am I my circumstances.

For almost half a year I have worked, worked, worked and I have come to a place where I am just tired. My Dad grabbed me in a hug the other night and said, “I think you need to slow down, Patty.” I don’t think I know how anymore. I went from zero to sixty and now what? I’m scared. I’m scared if I slow down I may fall apart.

This is me being yucky honest. Last night I was having a conversation with a couple of friends and I forget exactly what we were talking about but one of them said, “You are waaay different than you used to be” and she was saying it in a good way. And my other friend concurred with her. “Well, maybe what happened this year was the best thing that could have happened to me,” I said and we all kind of laughed about it. But, it’s true in a way. Everything I’ve gone through… as painful as it was and as much as it ripped me up and made me question everything… I wouldn’t be who I am today without it. I’ve said it before and I will always say it… this year changed my life. It changed me. And, despite everything I have changed I wouldn’t have had that opportunity without the person/people who came into my life and rocked my world. I never would have known the depths of PL, the potential, the strength… those things I have now from something I had to give up would never have been able to be mine. It’s something I’ll forever be thankful for and will remain in my heart forever.

So, in those moments where you don’t understand, or you’re sad, or you’re feeling lost… it’s okay to look back. It’s okay to remember where you started and where you are now. Even if it’s not the way you wanted the chapter to end… maybe it’s the right ending. Maybe our endings twist and unravel and come back together and fall apart and meander and somehow at the end it all makes sense. Maybe not today or tomorrow or a year from now… but, one day… one day it’s going to make perfect sense. Until then look for those moments where you find gratitude instead of ungratefulness, kindness instead of burden, peace instead of impatience.

Try to learn to float in the moments of growth and learning – the moments where you crave answers, the moments where you want to jam that square peg into the circle hole and make it all work out like you want, the moments where you are so frustrated you beat on every closed door you can.

“It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things.”   – Donald Miller