Moonshine & Wanderlust

“The moment that you feel that, just possibly, you’re walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself. That’s the moment you may be starting to get it right.” Neil Gaiman

For as long as I can remember I have written. As a little girl, I wrote poems and stories. As a teenager, I would spent endless nights typing what I was sure was going to be my great novel. I wrote several “books” over the course of a few years that I wanted to be a series. When people asked me what I wanted to do I would always say, “I want to be a writer.” And, of course, the follow-up was: “Well, what are you going to do with that?” It didn’t bother me until it was time for me to go to college.

It’s no secret I love animals and for some insane reason I thought my love of animals and my love of writing could be interchangeable and as easily as I wanted to be a writer I thought I could be a veterinarian. Of course, everyone was much more accepting of this choice – which made is easier… for a time. My first year of college was spent on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I started volunteering at a local animal hospital and it was the worst job I have ever had. I liked the people I worked with, but the rest was a huge slap in the face. Between being around death and sickness and general dirty work and the fact I had been a straight A student my whole life and I was practically failing every biology test I took, I was seriously beginning to wonder if I had made a huge mistake.

I studied for hours every day, yet my tests came back the same – 40s, 50s… was this some type of sick joke? I was miserable. I finally reached my tipping point as the withdrawal date for classes approached. I remember sitting on my parents’ bed, crying and saying all I wanted to do was write. I didn’t care about the money or if people agreed with it. I wanted to write and I did not want to be a teacher (the second most popular question from people after you tell them you want to write). And, because I have wonderful parents who love me they encouraged me to do whatever it was that was going to make me happy.

The day I withdrew from my biology class was one of the best days of my life. That next year, I declared my English  major with a concentration in writing and never looked back. I was never worried about the money aspect because I was used to working multiple jobs and I knew I would find something more stable and permanent but could write in my spare time. There have been huge chunks of times I didn’t write – I would try but there wasn’t anything I could think to write about. I had been so consumed with being a writer of books I didn’t think about being a writer of life.

When I first started my blog almost three years ago, I was just hammering away at random thoughts and things I was going through. That turned into wanting to write about more lifestyle topics – fashion, home life, etc. and somehow that has turned into what Moonshine & Wanderlust is now. It amazes me on a daily basis how many people text, email, or reach out to me by some other means and let them know what I write matters. Something I do matters and it’s not what I’m wearing or what I’m baking – it’s what I’m living. That’s all I ever wanted… just for something I said to mean something to someone else. Even if it’s one person.

Writing is my therapy. Writing is the only thing I have when I have nothing left. My words are the only way I can communicate my heart at times. When life is difficult, writing is there. However, it’s not just for me anymore – it’s for someone else. You don’t have to be alone in what you are feeling – none of us do.

I am in such a place of grappling right now… I am trying to find that place to throw my anchor because my boat is rocking really hard in a very choppy sea. I know God did not bring me this far to drop me off in the middle of the ocean alone. He has given me tools and experience to overcome this moment. I am not who I was, neither am I my circumstances.

For almost half a year I have worked, worked, worked and I have come to a place where I am just tired. My Dad grabbed me in a hug the other night and said, “I think you need to slow down, Patty.” I don’t think I know how anymore. I went from zero to sixty and now what? I’m scared. I’m scared if I slow down I may fall apart.

This is me being yucky honest. Last night I was having a conversation with a couple of friends and I forget exactly what we were talking about but one of them said, “You are waaay different than you used to be” and she was saying it in a good way. And my other friend concurred with her. “Well, maybe what happened this year was the best thing that could have happened to me,” I said and we all kind of laughed about it. But, it’s true in a way. Everything I’ve gone through… as painful as it was and as much as it ripped me up and made me question everything… I wouldn’t be who I am today without it. I’ve said it before and I will always say it… this year changed my life. It changed me. And, despite everything I have changed I wouldn’t have had that opportunity without the person/people who came into my life and rocked my world. I never would have known the depths of PL, the potential, the strength… those things I have now from something I had to give up would never have been able to be mine. It’s something I’ll forever be thankful for and will remain in my heart forever.

So, in those moments where you don’t understand, or you’re sad, or you’re feeling lost… it’s okay to look back. It’s okay to remember where you started and where you are now. Even if it’s not the way you wanted the chapter to end… maybe it’s the right ending. Maybe our endings twist and unravel and come back together and fall apart and meander and somehow at the end it all makes sense. Maybe not today or tomorrow or a year from now… but, one day… one day it’s going to make perfect sense. Until then look for those moments where you find gratitude instead of ungratefulness, kindness instead of burden, peace instead of impatience.

Try to learn to float in the moments of growth and learning – the moments where you crave answers, the moments where you want to jam that square peg into the circle hole and make it all work out like you want, the moments where you are so frustrated you beat on every closed door you can.

“It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things.”   – Donald Miller

“I’ve settled for crumbs for so long.”

“I don’t ever want you to have to settle for crumbs again.”

This weekend I went through the highs and the lows of emotions I’ve tried to put on the back burner for months. The feelings that were channeled through the gym, through fitness, through therapy, through running, through many different ways. And, there they were expressing themselves in a different body, in a better me, in new life experiences… yet, the pain behind them was still there. Lingering. Waiting to boil over. Waiting to push me over the edge.

For the past three months I’ve been cleaning dorm rooms as a side job. This weekend was my last time and it was a long four hours alone with my thoughts. Sometimes you can hear things over and over and over again – from different people – but until you really grasp something for yourself you can never really learn or move on. I have had a wonderful support system in my life this year and I have listened to them and taken advice and I’ll get pepped up and then I falter again. And, this weekend I finally realized I am tired of faltering. I am so tired of tripping over my own feet.

So, while I spent my four hours of solitary time cleaning I had a lot of time to process my feelings. My apologies to the maintenance man who asked me where the guys installing the carpet were as I was sobbing in the hallway. I have tried so hard for what seems like a long time to not feel and not think about certain things but I knew I had to do it to finally let go with both hands. I had to think about all the things I’ve tried not to that made me sad, made me have this homesick feeling for something I haven’t had in so long, made me happy, made my stomach flip flop… I had to think about it all. We all process things different and for me I have to think about all the aspects of what I am trying to move through and I have to feel all the emotions that are tied to them. It’s exhausting. I’ve thought for many months if I just stuffed all my good memories away in a little box in my mind that one day I could open them back up and experience them again. But, that time isn’t coming and I had to open the box.

I feel like the past almost six months has been a complete metamorphosis for me. I was a little caterpillar and I went into my cocoon for a little while and kind of got myself together and I came out a butterfly. But, you see… this little butterfly desperately needed and wanted another butterfly to recognize her change. To see that she wasn’t a caterpillar anymore. To see she was better. To see she was all the things she should have been before but didn’t know how to be. She had changed. So, the little butterfly flitted around and said, “Please see me. Please look at me. Please notice me. Please want me.” She flitted around and around and the other butterfly noticed her but it wasn’t the same. She was still a caterpillar in the other butterfly’s eyes. She didn’t understand that even though she had changed – that she had shed her old self and become new and beautiful – that it didn’t matter.

The time spent in my cocoon was solitary and lonely and hard. There were nights I couldn’t sleep in my own bed because I couldn’t stand the loneliness. So, I slept on the couch. I slept with the radio on, with the TV on. I got to the point I was never at home. I picked up 65 hours worth of work a week so I wouldn’t have to think. I went out with strangers and ended up going home and crying alone. Once I threw myself into the gym and changing my life in other areas that’s when I became a little stronger. When I realized the change had to be only for myself and not anyone else. I knew I may emerge and things would look different and be different. But, there’s always that little glimmer of hope that beats in my heart that I could be the butterfly someone else wanted.

Sometimes in life you see a beautiful garden and you spot a flower that is unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. It’s strong and tender and bright and lovely. And, you want it… so, you take it. But, maybe you forget to water it for a little while and it wilts – or maybe it even dies. And, you try to resuscitate it – you water it, you pet it, you feed it, and you hold on to it so tightly that when your hand comes away from the stem you look down and see where your own hand is bloody from the dry thorns. The flower is dead. No amount of your trying, your touch, or your love can bring it back to life again. And, you look at this flower… something you wanted so badly and loved so much… and for a moment you wish you had left it in the garden to thrive. To be admired until you were ready to take care of like you should. That you didn’t have to know what it dying in your own two hands felt like.

I have tried – I tried until I finally realized my trying was only making my hands bloody trying to hold on to something that had already died. There are days I continue to feel like a failure. That I still feel like I’m not good enough. That I’m weak and vulnerable. That I’ve come so far this year yet I still feel such fiery feelings for a flame that burned out long ago. That the missing of some things is so hard that it is physically painful. Writing this is hard… this weekend has been brutal. I have thought “Hang on. Hang on just a little longer” and I have… I have hung on and hoped and prayed and wished and I just can’t hang on any longer. Because what I’m hanging on to is simply a wish.

And, so… here I am… trying to shed the last layer of my old self but the process is painful. It’s not something I want to do. I tried letting go little by little – hanging on to small pieces, but I finally have to let go all the way. I’ve held on with two hands for dear life for months. If I don’t let go I may end up smothering the new me. Because, as I am so often reminded… things are different. I. Am. Different. While the words I wrote in Melted Snowflakes will always be true it’s time for me to be the strong girl I have grown to be. I have to be strong for myself now because no one else can do it for me. I have to be brave. This is real life… we’re all grownups now and playing house is just a thing of our childhood memories. I may still be a caterpillar to some people but I know better. I’m a butterfly now who grew through the winter and spring and finally through summer. And, as the summer mornings have started to turn into fall… I guess it’s time for a new direction of flight.

“a star falls from the sky and into your hands. Then it seems through your veins and swims inside your blood and becomes every part of you. And then you have to put it back into the sky. And it’s the most painful thing you’ll ever have to do and that you’ve ever done…”

For years I played the waiting game. I waited for the moment when every piece of the puzzle would fit together and I would be able to say, “Ah! There it is – the BIG MOMENT. I have waited all my life for this!” The right job, the right person to do things with, the right time to do something, the right car, the right body, the right “life” – whatever that even means! I was one of those people who thought it was all just going to “work out”. My plan was to just exist and “if it’s right” it was going to work out and it would be a God thing and I wouldn’t have to lift a finger. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Yes, I totally believe in God things – I’ve experienced many of them and I believe God has ordered my steps (PS: Can I get a hint how this thing plays out, God? Just kidding. But, really…) but if I am not doing anything to pursue God’s blessings or callings on my life or my potential or getting myself submerged in life how could I ever expect things to “just happen”? God never condoned complacency.

It was early in this year I was kind of starting to realize the whole “waiting” thing wasn’t really working for me. Nothing that I had accomplished that I was proud of had come from waiting. Graduating from school, job opportunities, personal goals… none of it had manifested through sitting around. I had already kind of made some changes in the waiting game a couple of years ago when I got tired of people telling me they were going to do things or act on some great thought they had – and I just did stuff on my own. I was over people not making good on empty promises. I could say I’m completely over this but that’s not completely true. I still have a tendency to hang around waiting for people. I’m much better than I used to be and it’s easier for me cut strings but then there’s that caring part of me that gets me in trouble. It’s a fine balance – one I’m still trying to figure out. Finality ain’t fun.

I had made the change in waiting around as far as relationships but what about myself? At the beginning of this year I was no doubt restless and struggling with what I wanted to go or places I thought I needed to be. “It’ll all work out,” was my go-to phrase. That’s great in theory – wouldn’t we all love for opportunities to fall in our lap and us not have to put in effort? That’s called ideas of grandeur (ie: delusion).

As this year begins to come to a close I am done with the waiting game. I refuse to play it anymore. It’s not enough for me to fully participate in certain parts of my life and not others. I need to have my hands all over it, in it, and working as hard as I can to do my part in this life thing.

If you are waiting for the right time, the right opportunity or a big lightning bolt sent from the sky… you are going to be waiting for a long time. There is a difference in trust and just being lazy. If you want something… GO GET IT. If you know you need to be better… BE BETTER. If you want to make a change… MAKE THE CHANGE. It’s not overnight, it’s not easy, it’s not always fun… but, what else are you waiting for? Waiting won’t make it any less easy or happen faster or make it more fun.

Do some things require waiting? Yes. And, those are the things you can’t just get. Love. Respect. Happiness. Certain results. I was thinking about this recently – the things we all truly want we can’t just go out and get. They have to be earned. They have to be tempered. You have to be patient. It’s painful to wait sometimes. But, not everything in life requires waiting. Some things – the things that help us be loved better, be more respected, be more happy – those things we can work on starting now. They don’t require waiting. Even if the results aren’t overnight you can start actively participating in changing your life NOW.

I’ve gotten quite a few things recently I’ve wanted simply because I put in the hard work. Does that mean it’s over? No. If you neglect the things you care about, guess what? Bye bye. If you value something/someone you will work hard every single day to keep it. If you’re ready to give up waiting you have to be ready to put in the work to keep the things you want.

I have to tell myself this all the time – just get it over with! Start! Take the leap and work hard. Nothing pays like hard work… the results will come, the changes will come, the opportunities will happen… just go out and do it.

“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.” Arnold Schwarzenegger

I mentioned recently how it was brought to my attention I have made some of the changes in my life seem “easy.” I could see how this is true – even though I try to be real and open sometimes I guess things come across as a little too “glossy.” It’s been far from easy and the thoughts and feelings and occurrences I’m sharing with you today will hopefully encourage some of you who are struggling or are finding yourself in a season of setbacks.

 

The past four months have been anything but easy. At the start of all this I was channeling a lot of hurt, sadness, anger, and depression into changing my life. It was good fuel no doubt and without that season in my life I don’t think I would be where I am now. I probably would still be a worm wanting to be a butterfly. This was something someone and I were discussing recently – I am who I am now because of what I’ve been through. I owe a lot of my success to the very things that I thought would break me. Without those situations and trials I would not have been given a wide open door to step through and flourish. There is always positivity (and more) to be found from trying times in our lives.

 

What I’m about to share isn’t easy because I have to admit I’ve messed up but I am striving to keep things real and especially today. Recently I had some things happen that completely messed with my mental state of mind. It was like I was trotting along and someone threw some thumbtacks out on the road in front of me and caused me to stumble. It was my own doing because I have made the all-too-common mistake of thinking, “I have myself totally under control.” Nope. As soon as some things from the past came back up and I allowed myself to revisit them and think I was under control is when I found out I wasn’t and things turned real ugly real fast.

 

Suddenly, I felt I wasn’t in control anymore. I found myself sitting alone in a chair, bawling my eyes out, after having a complete binge eating episode. It was the worst moment I have had in four months. I felt completely shattered. It was like I was a yo-yo and I was suddenly jerked back into feelings of being worthless, overweight, depressed, confused… More than anything, I was mad at myself. I was mad I had let my emotions overrule my mind. I was mad I had worked so hard to overcome certain feelings and I found myself completely drowning in them in a matter of minutes. I was mad that I had let myself be vulnerable to the Patty of the Past and let her believe things like: You’re worthless. You’re NEVER going to be good enough. Everything that happens that’s bad is your fault. Rejection. Failure. Disappointment. It was a horrible, horrible couple of days.

 

I have realized I still have things that trigger feelings in me that can be detrimental to my journey of moving forward. I have worked so hard to change my body, my mind, and my spirit but it’s not meant to be a means to an end. That’s why people say things like this are a lifestyle change. You are going to have bad days. You are going to have moments where you want to say, “Screw it. I’m eating everything and I’m going to drink everything and I’m going to do all of the things that are going to make me feel bad later but man they feel so good right now.” And, maybe you do them… that’s part of the learning. How many times do some of us have to learn a lesson? A lot.

 

I’ve realized there are some parts of my life I have to leave the door closed to. I cannot do it anymore. I may have moments where I am weak and I may struggle and I may have setbacks, but I know I am stronger. I can feel my spirit isn’t quite as easily broken as it once was. I’m someone who wants to work things out until the bitter end but when it comes at the sacrifice of 100% hard work I have to let it go or I will drive myself batcrap insane and bring myself crumbling down with no one to blame but me. I imagine it’s what being an addict is like. You really reeeeeeeeally want something and you think you have the strength to be around it but next thing you know you’re drunk off your tail. I think we all have our own addictions in our own ways. Maybe it’s not the clinical definition of addiction, but we all have them. I know what mine are no doubt.

 

So, if you think losing weight, being fit, changing habits, being a better you, making changes looks easy for some people and it makes you think you cannot do it – you can. You are going to have days that are so mentally challenging and draining that you are going to want to completely quit, run away, change your name, and disappear. You are going to doubt how far you’ve come. You are going to think “I can’t do this” but you CAN. However, I cannot stress enough how important it is not to be alone when you are trying to make big changes. I have awesome people in my life that help me through and I would be so alone without their daily encouragement, help, wisdom, and guidance.

 

When I look at myself in the mirror now I see a strong woman who doesn’t need the approval from anyone to know her worth. Was there a time when I felt I needed it? Yes. Do I still have days where I feel this way? Yes. But, I know that’s not reality. When you have setbacks and struggles your perception of reality can become extremely skewed. Don’t let the lies of your struggle inhibit you from moving forward. One bad day… one bad week… it’s not going to be your undoing. There will be tempting moments where you will think, “I’m good. I’ve come this far… surely a little detour won’t do me much harm.” Oh, friend… please keep your eyes forward before you turn around on your detour and realize you are more lost than you ever have been. I promise you it is not worth it.

I know what I have been through, I know what I have survived, I know what I have endured – and I know God has given me chances to make myself better. Without struggles, without setbacks, without doubts… we can’t progress. We can’t see our flaws and our weaknesses and fight them and become stronger – we simply become complacent. Take those struggles and the missteps and use them to your advantage. To bring to light where you are weak and fight to make yourself stronger in these areas.

until next time… xoxo, patty lauren