Delayed. Derailed. Out of (my) Control.
That’s how March has started off for me. This whole week has been one of derailment. Choices, actions, decisions, words said, words unsaid. There are always elements based on our controlled actions that have an uncontrollable outcome. Some good. Some bad. I’ve cried more in the past five days than I have in the past three months. Actions. Sometimes you get something really good, something you have needed, something you didn’t even know you needed, something you wanted for so long. something that is special… and you are so excited. And, *BOOM*. Actions. Roaring actions that derail the good thing. Time can’t be gotten back… days move on, you lose moments, you lose memories… you lose time. You spend those lost moments in the “what ifs”, but there is no going back. So, you wait. You wait for the delayed outcome. Is it good? Is it bad? It’s out of your control.
***
I share a lot with my readers. We relate. You give me feedback and encouragement. While March has been difficult, I’m going to share the part of the journey that has happened that helped put together this month and what I have been wanting to say and what has been going on in my heart. However, it comes as a (hopefully) humorous adventure…
I am currently sitting in the public library in Williamson, GA. Look it up. It’s basically a shed. Okay, that’s not true. It’s a really cute little house type place, but this is the smallest library I’ve ever been in. Why am I here? Because, I have no access to internet to blog except on my phone and the thought of typing all of this out on my iPhone made me cry again. Okay, that’s not true either but you get the gist.
So, WHY am I sitting in the public library using their internet writing a blog about how ferocious my week has been? Well, gentle reader… let me tell you.
At this point in time, I should have been having a delicate little meal in a hole-in-the-wall cafe with my friend LM in New York City. Instead, I am sitting here with a melting (but equally as delicious, I am sure) Frosty.
Three days in my favorite city with my friend with no plans but to eat, drink and be merry.
I started my journey to Atlanta this morning at 7am complete with a pit stop to Starbucks for a Venti Quad Shot WCM Latte (ie: something to get you in between vomiting and explosive diarrhea, but definitely guaranteed to give you shaky hands) – I have managed to do my hair, my makeup, dress nice, kiss the dog, text my loved ones, and cruise down the road listening to my carefully constructed “NYC Jams” Spotify playlist. I am keenly aware I am not as cool as I think I am, but a girl can dream.
I arrive at the Atlanta airport, get through security, and claim my spot. My plane is supposed to leave at 11:45AM. The time is getting closer… 11:12AM, 11:14AM… *dlerp dlerp* my phone starts buzzing with texts from family about an Atlanta airplane skidding off the tarmac at Laguardia. Actions.
Flight delayed. 12:15PM. Lagaurdia closed until 7pm. Flight cancelled. CANCELLED. Actions.
I’ve had flights cancelled before… it happens. It’s a part of life. Delays are a part of life. I waited and waited and waited to talk to someone. They didn’t have an answer. I was finally able to get another flight scheduled for tomorrow – awesome! It doesn’t get in until 11PM. Not so awesome. Derailment. Out of my control. Not the answer I wanted. Disappointment.
At this point, I am in full on “I am going to get this worked out mode”, but I feel the pressure inside of my body slowly rising. I feel that headache I’ve already dulled once today start creeping back into the back of my brain stem. Pushing. The tears are wanting to come, but I am on a mission. At least until I get a better answer.
I tote myself to the car rental… the first place I tried – out of cars. The second place – I got into some area that was not the line and then people starting cutting me in line. Third place – finally! I have been immeasurably blessed today with helpful people. I was able to get a good car for a good price and get on my way.
Sitting in the car, it happens. The frustration, the disappointment, the tired, the hurt… actions. I sit in my shiny, little black car that is clean and new and everything good and everything I had hoped… and cry. I cry for the day and I cry for a lot of other reasons, but it is an acute moment of heaviness and clarity – all at the same time.
Thankfully, I have family not far from Atlanta. And, lots of people to call me and text me and check in and tell me jokes (Why do you never gift a women a watch for a gift? Answer: There’s a clock on the stove!) LM has been sending me pictures of our beautiful view in our classic Midtown hotel. And, assuring me no matter when I am able to get to the City, we will make the most of it. Actions.
So, as I sit here time warped into 1996 with my public library internet usage and wrap up this adventure (for now!) I am focusing on the brutality of the delays, the derailments and having things out of my control. God is purposeful. Life is purposeful. Actions happen – whether bad ones based on our own inept moments of weakness or simply because they are “a thing” The lesson is to be learned in the derailment. Patience. Solidarity. Hopefulness. Thankfulness. Thankfulness for time to think about treasuring every good moment you are granted for they can be altered in sheer seconds or thankfulness for an altered path that leads to the same destination. Finding joy in the moments of “what next.”
Check in soon.
xoxo, patty lauren
…
“March roars in like a lion
So fierce,
The wind so cold,
It seems to pierce.
The month rolls on
And Spring draws near,
And March goes out
Like a lamb so dear.”
– Lorrie Hill
