Gone Girl

This post was originally published around this time last year… I’ve updated a few things, but the original narrative remains unchanged. 

Let’s Start at the Beginning, Shall We?

This story really begins in the summer of 2012 and  all of 2013, 2014, and some of 2015. Once upon a time, I was a skinny teenager with deer legs who went through an incredibly awkward stage for what seemed like an incredibly long period of time.

As things happen and I got older, I gained a “normal” amount of weight. I also went through periods of time when I worked out and was in decent “shape” (aka: skinny fat). I loved Pilates and the elliptical. I wouldn’t do weights at the gym because I didn’t want to “get big.” Oh, how times have changed.

In 2012, I was getting ready to embark on a new life journey but not before I crammed a lot of living into that year. I had never rebelled as a teenager or young adult and now that I was finally living on my own I spent a good portion of that year indulging in life. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I can’t count the nights that 3am was when the night ended – often in the drive-thru of Krystal with my best friends at the time. One day I’ll write a salacious book about all of our escapades – maybe. While I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything but I would trade the way I treated my body. I was shoving life down my own throat and the food and drinks came along for the ride.

So, here I was in 2013 the most weight I had ever weighed. I tipped the scale at 155 lbs at 5’5” – that’s considered overweight. Don’t get me wrong – my goal has never been to be a stick, despite what some people may believe. Curvy? Awesome. Booty? Yes, please. Sexy and feminine? Check and check. Overweight, unhealthy, depressed, and feel trapped in a body that you know is not yours? Negative, nada, no thanks, and BAD. There is nothing that compares to feeling like you are a prisoner in your own body.

For a good portion of 2013 I kept on the same train – eating, drinking, and being merry. In late summer I had some personal things happen and I coped by losing weight. Guess how I did it? Ding ding ding!! I didn’t eat! Woohoo!! I’m so smart and I have a college degree. WRONG. So dumb. I was biking 8 miles a day and barely eating. Did I lose weight? Of course. Was I healthy? NO. Was it a sustainable lifestyle? NO. I was coping with emotions I didn’t know how to deal with and I was manipulating my body by starving myself physically, emotionally, and mentally.

As women, we often think if we can control our food and our body we can control everything else. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. You’ve got to get a grip on the rest of your life and then work on your physical. Otherwise, the results will never last. They will always be a band-aid for something else. If you’re happy with your body that’s all that matters. I wasn’t. I knew there was a foxy lady inside clawing to get out – I just didn’t know how to find her yet.

In late 2013 I started running with one of my good friends who had been in the Army and he really helped get me started on learning to run and getting some stamina. He would never let me stop – even if I was barely jogging. We would run for miles all around town and just talk. It was awesome and it developed my deep love of running. I kept up running for half of 2014 and ran several 5Ks, but not much else had changed. I was still in a vicious cycle of binge eating or not eating at all. I was in a relationship where pizza night and Netflix was a frequent occurrence and being active was not a priority. So, I quit running.

[Side note: this isn’t meant to be a reflection necessarily of my circumstance at the time, but please – do not get in a relationship with someone who is not on your level as far as drive and dedication or can’t respect your own. One or both of you is going to be sorely disappointed. You might be able to make it work for awhile but eventually someone is going to complain you spend too much time doing what your passion is if they don’t have one of their own. I love seeing couples who both are focused and work hard – even if it’s for different things – because they “get it.” They share they successes and their relationship is stronger for it.] <—- edit: I love reading this now 🤗

Losing the Old Self

By the fall of 2014 I was out of my relationship and existing – trying to figure out who I really was. I started, slowly, running again but I was still coasting. If you have followed my blog for any period of time, you have heard me say 2015 has been my best year yet. I spent the first part of 2015 in La La Land – I half assed a lot of things this year and ended up paying for it. I’ll never forget sitting in my best friend’s office bawling my eyes out one particularly difficult morning while someone I am very close to gave me a nice little talking-to on the phone. She said everything I needed to hear at the time. And, I’ll never forget this particularly tough love comment – “Patty Lauren doesn’t even know who Patty Lauren is.” Ouch. But, she was right. I didn’t.

The next few weeks really were just me trying to grope my way through my own darkness and trying to figure out who I was, who I needed to be, who I wanted to be… you know, things you’re supposed to have figured out in your twenties.

In March I started biking and running again. I had been kind of training for a half marathon (remember that half-assed comment? Yep, half-assing my running, too. Okay, I’m going to stop saying half-assing!) so I was trying to step that game up a little bit but I knew I had to do more. This was going to be my year. Amazingly enough for someone who hadn’t trained that hard I finished my half marathon in a little over three hours but I finished! Looking back it’s so cool to know I actually ran 13.1 miles. One of my best memories of my entire life.

Gym life: I hired a personal trainer at the beginning of May and haven’t looked back a day. Sure, I probably could have gone to the gym alone and winged it (didn’t say the other phrase) but I needed something different. I needed to be different. I have never felt such a drive and passion as I do know. Everything really started falling into place.

I still have my trainer and we work together twice a week. You should definitely check out Body by Hannah – I owe so much of my success to Hannah and my trainer Caitlin. I wouldn’t be where I am without having the opportunity to meet them – they have truly changed my life. <—- edit: WHAT!! Now I’m a trainer at Body by Hannah. I started shadowing Hannah at the beginning of the year, passed my certification in April, Caitlin moved to pursue her doctorate degree and I started getting my own clients at the studio. On September 1, 2016 I transitioned into being a full-time personal trainer at Body by Hannah. What I said will always be true – they changed my life and now I get to do what I’ve always been meant to do… it just took me a long time to get there. 

 At the time of this blog publication, I was up at 4:30am everyday and going to the gym 2x a day in preparation for my fitness competition. It’s been almost a year since then and I’ve settled into a couple of different routines since then. I try to walk or ride my bike at least 30 minutes everyday and I’m lifting weights in the gym anywhere from 3-5 days a week depending on if I’m doing full body workouts or splits. I’ve also enjoyed being able to try lots of new things, try some classes I’ve wanted to try, and stay active with friends during the week. 

Blood, sweat, and tears – that’s a lot of what you don’t see. Am I tired? Yes. Right now I am working anywhere from 50-60 hours a week but I don’t let that become an excuse to not grind 100% every single day. Many of my days are 15, 16, 17 hours long… you make time for what is important. I know it’s not my job but that saying of waking up every day looking forward to your job – that’s how I feel about my life. <— my days are not as long anymore, but now what I love IS my job!! Woohoo! 

Food – Edit: When I wrote this last summer I was counting macros (IIFYM)… it worked for me for a long time and especially in preparation for my show, but I officially stopped counting macros earlier this year and try to live more by the 80/20 rule. I try to eat a well balanced diet with lots of veggies and whole grains, fruit, good fats, etc. but I enjoy treats now and then. Cooking is again a huge part of my life and something I’ve learned to enjoy again. Counting macros zapped a lot of fun out of my daily life once I had done it for awhile and it was causing me more stress and obsessive tendencies than being mindful about my food.  

The rest: The rest was meant to be as “the rest of the story”, but actual rest is so important. Fortunately for me, I was already in a relatively good pattern of going to bed at a decent hour. You have to listen to your body though. And, sometimes your body says “Go to bed at 8:30pm.” As much as this year as been a year of “yes” sometimes I have had to say “no.” And, sometimes you have to be willing to sit with your friends while they down pitchers of beers and plates of nachos and you’re like, “I’ll take another one of these savory lemon waters, please!”

I read – a lot. I’ve never read so much for learnable knowledge since college. I read a lot every day about nutrition and workouts and general fitness information. I listen – a lot. I try to be a sponge. Sometimes I’m a forgetful sponge so I have to ask again and again, but I ask. I’ve found some really awesome people through Instagram that I have been able to ask questions and follow to learn some invaluable information.

You know the saying about time passes anyway so you might as well do something with it? I cannot imagine my life if I had continued doing the same things I was four months ago. I would be heartbroken to know I had wasted 120 days of amazing living. Time is passing – you have each new day to make a decision to do something amazing. To try something new. To turn your life around. Your only limitations are the ones you put on yourself.

A lot of people have asked me how much weight I’ve lost and while I don’t mind discussing that I want to make it clear it’s not been just about the weight loss for me. It has been a COMPLETE life change. The biggest compliments are not the ones that say, “Wow, you’ve lost so much weight!” – they are the ones that say, “Wow, you look so different! You look so HAPPY.” I have never felt like this in my entire life and unless you’ve gone through a complete metamorphosis it is hard to explain in words. Total, I have lost over 40 lbs. of body weight. I also lost 40 lbs. of emotional weight,anxiety weight,depression weight and gained more life than I could have ever imagined having.

There are days I have cried because I think about how I felt before – how I felt inside compared to what I looked like on the outside. It wasn’t me. Part of me is sad that I wasted so many years settling to be mediocre myself, but I believe in God’s perfect timing and I truly believe I had to live all of those years the way I was and go through the things I have to be 1,000% dedicated to my life today. He knew when I would be truly ready – it just took me a little while to get here.

If you’ve braved through this whole narrative I’ll leave you with this: Don’t let anything stop you from being who you know you are destined to be. Whether it be a great mom, a loving wife, an amazing friend, a lawyer, a doctor, or just a happy person. We limit ourselves for thousands of reasons but we only need one reason to start living our full lives – because why not? Why not start TODAY to start a new direction? The minutes are passing by… ticking slowly off the clock. What are you going to do with your time today? I promise you, you will never be sorry you started.