The Companion That Never Leaves

Brokenness. We are all broken in some ways. Broken at the actions of someone else. Broken when you made some mad decisions when you know you could have done better and stayed whole. Broken when you knew better. Broken at your own doing – sometimes that is the hardest break of all. When all you wanted was to help fix someone and got broken in the process. Seasons of brokenness can last far past the stages of moving on and healing.

Cracks remain and we find the feelings of inadequacy, fear, hurt, and loneliness seep through. We try to stop the cracks with a variety of methods – companionship, work, exercise, sleep, and for some harder methods for trying to stop the leaks.

If you’ve followed me this past year, you may remember my post last year about anxiety . Anxiety is very real. And, scary. And, when it rears its ugly head after a dormancy it can be crippling. Anxiety causes different reactions and feelings in different people. For me, I liken the feeling to being a caged animal pacing back and forth… back and forth, back and forth… all the while the cage is getting smaller and smaller.

I dealt with my high anxiety by running and going to therapy. It was an amazing few months. And, I learned things that are continuous reminders about how to deal with those moments that feel overwhelming. So why talk about it again?

Because, sometimes anxiety doesn’t go away. Sometimes you can’t just talk yourself down from it, run from it, talk through it, sleep it away… it’s there when you wake up, it’s there when you come home from your run and get into a hot shower and start to think, it’s there when you have repeated all of those key phrases to yourself to self soothe and reassure yourself.

Anxiety feels like an elephant sitting on your chest. Emotions that normally do not usually come easily flow from your body at their own will. Thoughts become jumbled. Concentration is easily broken. You feel so helpless.

But, you’re not helpless. There is always help and there is always hope. If you have found something that helps you cope with anxiety or moments of anxiety … don’t stop doing them. This is so important. I stopped running sometime last year because things were going “good” and I was happy. Big mistake.

My anxiety had taken a backseat. Backseat being the key word… it was still watching me, ready to find the first spot of weakness and blow up in my face. Luckily though, I have started back running and have signed up for a half marathon at the end of April. I’m committed to never stop running again for such a long period of time as long as I am healthy and able.

So, whatever soothes you… do that. And, do it often. Find someone to talk to that can understand what you are going through. Not everyone understands how anxiety works – they can belittle your feelings, emotions, and negate how very hopeless anxiety has the power to make you feel.

Know your triggers. All of my main triggers have been set off over the past couple of months and they have been firing on all cylinders. Hard. Every day. Sometimes all that comes out is tears. Sometimes the words are easy to write. Sometimes journaling gets me through. Running has been a huge outlet for me. And, doing something for someone else will always help you pull yourself out of the black whole of anxiety.

In life, we all have times and moments that overwhelm us – none of us are different in that regard. Let’s remember that with each other and be gentle with those around us for you never know what someone else is battling amidst this journey called life.

 

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” Corrie ten Boom