When I was younger, my mom would say to me: “People come into our lives for a season and we don’t know how long they will stay, but they will leave you at some point. Enjoy them while they are in your life, but remember to be careful.” I remember getting genuinely angry when she would say this to me – it always came off as some sort of heeding or buzz kill. I hated it. And, I think I hated her saying it because I never wanted to acknowledge that someone I cared about would leave. That doesn’t happen – when you care about someone, when they’re your friend, when you’re in love… those people don’t leave. Of course, I was 18 and my mom had no idea what she was talking about and she hadn’t lived the life *I* was going to live. No sir – I was going to keep everyone and we would sing Kumbaya by a fire every Friday night. Wrong. So wrong.
I learned the “seasons” metaphor the hard way. More than once. I’m still learning it. I’ve mentioned this in a former post, but my childhood was pretty sheltered. I didn’t make a lot of “mistakes” until waaay later in life. Sometimes, I think that was good and sometimes I think that was really unfortunate. I will never forget sitting in my therapist’s office and her saying to me: “You’ve learned something a lot of people learn much younger. You learned that {insert some idea here that would seem obvious to anyone over 21} isn’t a sign of a healthy relationship.” I remember laughing – the incident we were talking about seemed so stupid. Like, how did I not think that was a bad idea at almost 30? In that moment, I realized even though I thought I had my life perfectly planned out and A, B, and C would happen in perfect order – in doesn’t happen that way. It hasn’t happened that way. I am still making mistakes and learning and growing. I have to be gentle on myself. And, likewise… it has taught me I have to be gentle with other people.
Perhaps the greatest give we can give to ourselves is to simply be. And, to not expect people to stay and fulfill our needs. We are responsible for ourselves – we’re responsible for our own happiness, our own trust issues, our sadness. That is not to say man is an island, but at the end of the day… we are responsible for our lives and our actions. There is a quote I’ve loved for a long time: “If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.” Maybe I love it because it’s a Plath quote and it speaks to my dark and morose, but I think it’s true. It seems bleak and it seems unattainable, but it is true. It’s impossible to not expect things from people – especially when you cultivate a close relationship. It’s going to happen. That’s normal. But, what isn’t impossible is how we let our own expectations dictate our feelings.
The past several months have been a big blur in many regards, but one thing that has stuck out to me was that at the end of last year I became completely content. I processed a lot, I went to therapy a lot, I spent a lot of time by myself, I spent time with close friends. I listened to a lot of Lana Del Rey and Carole King and Carly Simon. I ran – a lot. I started practicing yoga. I let myself just get out whatever it was that had built up inside me – I had been on cruise control for a long time. I had become discontent and complacent. More than anything, I hated myself. These thoughts really belong in a post that I promised to make about what prompted my beach getaway over Christmas break, but I had to go through all of that to get to where I am now. It seems a simple lesson: I am responsible for myself and my own happiness. It’s a hard lesson and it’s one I have to work on every.single.day.
Seasons come and go – nothing we do will ever change that. People come and go – nothing we do will ever change that. Nothing is guaranteed in this life. Not a single, damn thing. Our pasts do not define us, other people do not define us. When we can come to a place of contentment and happiness with ourselves, minus everything else… that’s when we can appreciate each passing season and its beauty and the people that pass through our lives without want or hurt or expectation or malice.
“Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” – Albert Camus
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