Landslide

Almost 3 months to the day, I wrote a post called “bridges”… I wrote it after an evening spent with my past. In that moment of early daylight, I saw everything I thought I wanted. I had it… it was brief. But, it was tangible in some way.

“It’s a rollercoaster. It’s unpredictable. It’s not certain. It’s an exhaustive trek… to where? Maybe nowhere. Maybe to the best place you have ever imagined. You see, that’s part of the gamble when you find that perfect fit… there is a chance you will only be privy to what could be. But, there’s the chance that someday the timing of your life and the life you know you are destined for come together to change everything.”

Timing is a funny thing. I’ve always believed in timing. God’s timing, human timing – it’s significant in our life stories. I have found my life to have either really bad timing or really good timing. Unfortunately, timing is just a pinpoint on the map… it’s not the whole story.

This year started after two years of a timing ball… Sometimes things just feel right, even if they scare the living daylights out of you. I don’t normally take chances on those types of things, but I will tell you now… the story of taking a chance is always better than the “what if?” It can hurt you like hell and rip your heart open or it can be a new chapter, but it lets you know you’re alive. You’re human. You have the capacity to love, to hurt, to want, to be needed, to need… the things we’re not “supposed” to do because they make you vulnerable.

I’m not good at being vulnerable – for all the same reasons no one is “good” at being vulnerable. You lay yourself open. I’ve only done it a couple of times and it has hurt every time. It’s like that old scar story I told you all about waaay back at the beginning? Except it’s not a scar, it’s an open wound. Scars don’t hurt after awhile. They’re meant to remind you of where you came from and where you don’t want to go back to again. Wounds can heal, but being vulnerable doesn’t allow you to heal. Because, to be vulnerable you must be open. You must take the chance to be hurt, to hurt… to be bare. Would I take being open back? Not a chance.

The last paragraph of “bridges” says it all…

“So, until then… you wait. You work. You think. You persevere. You pray to God that you have another fiber to endure. You breathe. And, hope. For even if it is lost forever… oh, how lucky you were to have it for even just a moment.”