serendipity

I used to think nothing could hurt worse than thinking you found something that was perfect for you and not having it /losing it. But, that’s not the worst hurt. The worst hurt is actually having something that is perfect for you and losing it.

The intangible dreams, words, and people are safe. They are safe because they are not real. They are safe because they are not reality. They are safe because they are the “I think I would really be happy if…” They are safe because they are untested waters. They can be fun. They can be unfettered and frill. They are the places where you give 100% and get nothing in return. They are brick walls. They hurt us when they break, but they are easily replaced by another fantasy. Simply playgrounds for our imaginations.

The things you have… the things you are lucky enough in this world to hold with your hands, truly, and not just in your dreams… those are the things that can hurt you. They are real. They are real because you wade deep into the unknown. They are real because you turn over trust. They can be hard. They can be scary. You aren’t in control anymore. For the first time, you get and you give.

They are made of early mornings and late nights, of conversations you lose yourself in for hours, of tears wiped, of the most mundane moments in your life that are worth more than a hundred trips around the moon. They are made of kitchen trial and errors, of breathing the breath of another person, of putting someone else first, of getting a rush every time you’re around them. Of baking pies and coats in the rain. And making plans and listening to words and remembering minute details. Of giggles and dreams of perfect kisses. Of feeling home. Of being warm. Of feeling an easy steady heartbeat, of thinking what you have is easy and steady. Of times doing nothing. Time. Times you have never had – times you only wish you could have had. They make everything else seem like specks in the brightest night sky.

They are moments that don’t stop. Even when it’s hard. Even when something cracks. Because when you’ve captured something so rare, you know you can’t let it go. You want to protect it. And, keep it safe. And, nurture it. But, sometimes…

Well, that’s the part I don’t know yet. Sometimes… sometimes you lose it. The jar is broken and what you have captured is gone.

I struggle to reconcile in my mind how this happens, honestly. I am in a place of real reflection and confusion and earnest heart searching. I wonder how I can be so sure of something and… lose it. Let it slip. Let it break.  I don’t know. I wish I knew.

Sitting by myself in car, the fleeting thought of myself was “your feelings are so deep.” I was told this not too long ago… I feel deeply. And, I never really have thought about it but it’s true. Maybe that’s not normal… But I can’t help but think my feelings are deep because I care deep. I want things deeply. I want to make things work so deeply. Deep feelings leave cavernous openings for hurt. 

What’s even more rare is those moments come when you least expect it. Serendipity. They are magical moments in your life. And, even if you were the only one that felt that way, don’t let that change the way those moments made you feel, how they changed you, what they taught you. Hang on to them.

I am unsure of a lot of things, but one thing I know is those moments don’t come very often in your life. If you are so lucky to find them… oh, treat them gently and kindly. And treat them as they are the rare find that others are giving their souls away to have.

Serendipity :: finding something good without looking for it