Into the Pit

“Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even.” Muhammad Ali

Normally I listen to music in the mornings while I’m getting ready – it gets me pumped up for the day and makes dancing around in the bathroom way more fun. This morning I got ready in the quiet and my mind was elsewhere – thinking about conversations, about goals, and about change. About painful change. About hurtful growth. Anything good does not come easy.

As I was thinking about all of these things I had this vision of a deep, dark, slimy, mud covered pit. Imagine yourself at the bottom of this pit and looking up toward the sky and at the edge of the pit is someone or something that keeps you in this dark pit. It could be a food addiction, a porn addiction, someone who betrayed you, someone who hurt you, fears of inadequacy, low self esteem – pick your opponent(s).

You have been trying for how long to climb out of this pit? Weeks? Months? Years? You find yourself climbing up to the top to get out, but your hands give out on the mud covered walls and you slip back down into the dark. You lie on your back and your opponent laughs at you. You have been defeated yet again. Worthless. Not good enough. You will never get out. Might as well give up trying, loser.

But, you want so desperately to get out of the pit. Maybe you think if you can come face to face with your opponent you can change the situation. You can bargain. I can behave better. I can be a good girl. I can put down that food that keeps me company. I can stop looking at photos that tear down not only myself but make women or men objects. I can repair this relationship. You long for reconciliation and repair in your life. So, you try again.

You climb harder this time. You get closer to the top. Your fingertips curl around the top of the ground and you start to lift yourself up. You turn to see how far you’ve come – you climbed so far! And, as you turn your face around toward the sun your opponent bends down toward you and takes their foot and kicks you as hard in the face as they can. Before you even know what is happening, you are flying backwards in the air – arms splayed and eyes full of fear until your back hits the bottom of the pit with a resounding crack and tears of defeat.

Some of us climb and climb and climb… and fall and fall and fall. We try tirelessly, beating ourselves up over shortcomings or words of hurt from the lips of people we love. We strive to fix things, we strive to get redemption. We all want to be redeemed. Redeemed from failures, redeemed from things we have been accused of, redeemed from addiction, redeemed from thoughts of self harm and feelings of worthlessness.

One day, you realize all that climbing, no matter how painful and how often you were defeated, has been strengthening you. You look down at your body and you are stronger. Your muscles are bigger, your hands grip stronger, the muscles in your legs are defined and hard. All that fighting – all that climbing – has made you a fighter.

So you make that last climb – you are mentally prepared, physically prepared, spiritually prepared – and as you reach the top and your opponent lifts their foot to kick you, you find yourself reaching up and as you propel yourself out of the pit you fling your opponent down into it.

You don’t stay to gloat. You don’t stay to say “I won!” You simply walk away. You have nothing left to prove. Nothing left to lose. You have become a warrior over your own demons. Warriors don’t look back – they fight, they defeat, and they move on to the next journey.

“I know what I’m capable of; I am a soldier now, a warrior. I am someone to fear, not hunt.”  The Rise of Nine