It was early – earlier than I normally woke up. The half light/half darkness of the soon approaching morning filled the room as my eyes adjusted to the light of my phone. Habit – checking my phone every morning. My sleepy eyes narrowed in on the bright screen as the numbers grew clearer and my heartbeat grew faster. A number I had long removed from my phone but recognized out of familiarity filled the screen. Several missed calls and text messages hit me in the face like a ton of bricks.
“Answer your phone.”
This was a typical, demanding text from someone who I had not talked to in many months. Someone who I had taken deliberate steps to move on from after a year long entanglement. It was the most toxic relationship I’ve ever been involved in in my life. I could write many blogs about being involved with a narcissist and the kind of mind screwery it entails but today is not that day.
I didn’t return the calls or texts but they continued the next afternoon. Against my better judgment, I finally answered the phone. This particular person wanted to apologize. To make amends for things they had done to me. They offered their reasons for their behavior. I extended my forgiveness and we left things at that. I was shocked.
Fast forward several months later I came back to my office after a lunch break to find a simple, white envelope that had been placed in my chair. “Patty” was scribbled across the front of the envelope in masculine handwriting. I had no idea who it was from but when I opened and read the letter I could not have been more surprised. The letter was penned from someone I knew but had not been in contact with for a couple of years. My last year of college this person and I spent some time together – he had a reputation of being a player at the time (something I didn’t know when we were hanging out – I’m always late to the news party!) and while I never held any of his actions against him and hadn’t really given it much thought in the recent years, his past behavior plagued him and he wanted to make things right with me. He wanted to sit down with me and apologize in person. I was shocked – again.
Forgiveness. I’ve always believed in forgiveness – I’m also a big fan of mercy. I crave mercy for all of us as human beings. Because we are flawed. And, we make mistakes. But, oh… mercy. God gives us mercy every day of our lives – to bestow that on another person is a direct reflection of our intwinement with our Savior. We are commanded by God to forgive others yet this is one of the single most difficult things we face as humans. Sometimes forgiveness is not easy – sometimes it’s not even deserved.
The two stories I used as examples above continued and both ended quite different. You see, sometimes saying, “I’m sorry” is a temporary fix. “I’m sorry” is seven letters that carry a hefty meaning. Do you mean what you say? Are you willing to put in the effort to back up your words? The first “I’m sorry” proved to be yet another hollow phrase I was given by someone who within a couple of weeks of their apology had reverted back to lies upon lies, broken promises, and trying to use me. The second “I’m sorry” turned out to be a true life change for this person – someone who has completely changed their life around and done some amazing things with his life in the past couple of years.
Forgiving others is difficult but sometimes forgiving ourselves is even more difficult. Being a habitual people pleaser, I know this feeling all too well. Beating yourself up for your mistakes. Not giving yourself mercy and grace. This year has been a year of many things for me and one of them has been learning to forgive myself. It’s taken months of internal work and outside help to get to a place where I have been able to forgive myself and be at peace. To know I have no control over some situations. To learn to move on. To learn to not look back. To learn how to accept and acknowledge things I have done but not to live in a place of regret and regression. Along the way you must learn to forgive yourself and free yourself from the past. If you keep looking behind you, rereading the pages of your story that are unlovely and forever flawed, you disable yourself from growing and using your past as a lesson.
While we can learn to forgive ourselves and become better from our experiences, the same cannot always be said when we ask for forgiveness from others. Sometimes forgiveness does not mean forgetfulness. This is the most painful aspect of forgiveness and saying “I’m sorry” – it is not a cure all fix for transgressions. It’s not an immediate solution, it’s not a guaranteed healer. It is a sincere expression of remorse and hopefulness of restoration, but that is never guaranteed.
Sometimes in life, if we are very lucky, we are given second chances. Second chances, to me, are kind of like magical little pockets in our lives where we get to recreate a piece of our lives. Second chances are not about going back to the past to relive your mistakes but they are chances to make things new while bringing life lessons and appreciation to a fresh beginning. And, even if second chances are something we do not find in our lives we can hope for brand new beginnings in every other part of our lives that bring new fruit, new hope, and new plans for every new day of our life.
Forgiveness is a precious gift. To others and to ourselves. When you find yourself in a situation of having the opportunity to forgive, remember God’s promises to us as He forgives our flaws and imperfections – our constant stumbles and staggers. And, if find yourself in a position to ask for forgiveness – give your whole heart in your asking. Expect nothing in return but give everything you have. Be a living testimony to the change in your heart with your actions.
“I don’t know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, ‘Well, if I’d known better I’d have done better,’ that’s all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, ‘I’m sorry,’ and then you say to yourself, ‘I’m sorry.’ If we all hold on to the mistake, we can’t see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can’t see what we’re capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one’s own self…The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don’t have that we never grow, we never learn…”
until next time… xoxo, patty lauren
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