Time brings a lot of things. It brings healing. It brings closure. It brings change. It also brings clarity. If we allow ourselves to be open to being refined, time can sharpen our views of what we look for in life. I have been closed off to a lot of things the past several months – much to the credit of being super focused on getting in shape and more recently prepping for my fitness competition. I haven’t had to “deal” with certain aspects of life… and, it’s been really nice. It’s been nice to just focus on something that, while is about myself, is also outwardly focused. I’ve met new people and I’ve participated in a lot of outside activities and I’ve pushed my limits. I’ve not been alone in doing these things and it’s been a good growing and learning experience.
While I have undoubtedly not been alone, I am very much alone in life right now. If that makes any sense. I go home alone every night. I go to sleep alone. I wake up alone. My home is full of love and happiness, but I. Am. Alone. And, you know what? That’s okay. I’ve always been someone who has been okay with being alone. It’s not something I really sit around and cry about (not that I haven’t before, but those are rare occasions). There have been moments in my life I haven’t been alone… very specific time spans in my life and those are the moments that make me miss that feeling. What feeling is that? The feeling of being safe.
Merriam-Webster defines safe as: “secure from threat of danger, harm, or loss” – those are such comforting words. Secure. Safe from danger, harm… secure from being lost. Time and experience give us the remarkable gift of clarity. Clarity to say, “This is what I want” or “This is what I don’t want” or even “This is what I need.” We all have our deal breakers, our nonnegotiable, our “must haves.” We learn the skill of compromising but there are always those couple of things we know we need to be happy yet we often settle without them because we’re getting older or because our friends are getting into relationships or married or having babies or we are lonely. We are a society of settling. When I was younger I used to think my “must have” was someone who was going to be successful and “do things” in life – to go places and live big. Looking back now, if I had settled for those things (which are wonderful and by no means are settling for a lot of people) I would be a very miserable woman right now.
Instead, I have come to a place in my life where I realize those “must haves” were really just cheap imitations of what my true non-negotiable is – safety. I thought safety meant success. Success = safety. Sure, success does play a part in feeling secure but there is so much more to security than money or success. Safety is more than an action – it’s a feeling. Usually we hear it the other way around – something is more than a feeling, it’s an action. But, not always. We all have pictures in our mind of what this can look like. As long as I live my picture of my must have… my “safety” feeling will be forever ingrained in my mind. It will be a perfect moment that encapsulates that feeling of safety. It’s a moment that’s mine forever. That feeling for me, unless it’s as comforting and secure and safe… nothing else can touch it. What does this mean for me? Who knows… probably a long time of being alone. But, in a world where we settle for so much… some things you just can’t settle for. No matter how “right” they appear or how it good it looks on paper or how everyone approves or how awesome every other part of it may be… You can’t put a price tag on that “thing” that makes everything else dim in comparison.
So, while the world around you settles down and makes decisions based on facts and numbers instead of feelings and instincts… while you watch everyone else fade away into new lives and you are still making your own… while you have moments where coming home alone again and turning on the lights only to turn them off again as you slide into a cold bed and one more night like that seems almost unbearable… remember that that thing you need – the thing that makes you think, “Oh… yes… there you are.” It exists. I promise. I know. It’s there… somewhere. You just simply have to be patient enough to wait. Wait for it to find you in the darkness – where your light is the beacon that leads it to you. Your must have. Wait for it… it’s coming.
until next time… xoxo, patty lauren
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