From the Outside

Sometimes it’s possible to be both happy and whole, yet struggle with recurring thoughts of sadness or feeling broken. I think we tend to forget that as outsiders looking in on someone else’s life at times. They can seem to have it all together, everything is going good, the pieces are falling together, they’re genuinely happy… Yet. We don’t see them when they are alone, we don’t see their thoughts or hear their cries… because all we see is the outside.

Sometimes you can be so far removed from your past hurts and you can feel like you are fine but inevitably you realize you’re a little weaker than you thought or a little more sad than you want to admit. It’s in those moments you doubt yourself. You doubt your progress, you doubt your abilities, you doubt your sanity (maybe that’s just me) and quickly you find that instead of feeling full of all of the good things you have in your life you are feeling full of insecurities, sadness, doubt, second guessing, hopelessness.

So what do you do? It’s almost like a pendulum… you can stay swinging in these feelings that are a temporary cloud over you and something that is no longer your reality but a reminder or you can swing back to reality. It’s hard though sometimes, you know… we like to sit with reminders, even if they hurt us. Because, why? Because they’re comfortable. Because they’re familiar. Because maybe we were in that period of time for so long anything other than that feels foreign and so for a time we like to sit in the familiarity of hurt and sadness simply because there was a time we were so conditioned to exist in that sphere it actually feels good even though it is hurting us.

I don’t like admitting when I have these moments but for me it’s important to share them. For one, I know a lot of people think my life right now is super glossy and fabulous and unicorns live in my basement. And, that’s just not so. Grace Kelly is cute and everything but she is no unicorn. Secondly, I know a lot of people that read this or know me are going through big life changes, too… or they are trying to. And, it’s so important to remember that yes these new journeys are worth every bit of fight but they are going to be moments when you are going to feel like you did six months ago, a year ago… ten years ago. But, it is okay. Because, it’s temporary. You are moving forward. You are changing. You are no longer who you were before.

The feelings are always the same when I have these moments. The biggest one is feeling like I’m not good enough. Especially when I see certain things and I find yourself comparing or thinking about past situations – it’s a really horrible feeling. It’s horrible because it makes me truly sad but it’s also horrible because I know it’s a lie and it’s not reality. I know what I’m worth, I know what I bring to the table, I know where I’ve been and how I’ve changed and who I am now, I know how hard I’ve worked, I know what I have to offer… etc. etc. etc. I know these things but a single moment can cause me to doubt every single one of these things. Temporarily.

So, know that it doesn’t always have to be perfect. You don’t always have to be one hundred percent happy and flying over rainbows – even if you are truly happy! You are going to have days that make you feel like you have done nothing to better yourself. You’re going to have reminders for the rest of your life about times that make you sad. It’s inevitable. But, you keep moving on… you trust that you have grown enough and you are continuing to grow and you find yourself staying in those moments of reminders less and less.